Self-Care as a Cancer Caregiver
Being a cancer caregiver is not something we plan to do. It is a role thrust upon us by life, usually without any warning, often without any preparation. A family member or other loved one is diagnosed with cancer, and suddenly we are a cancer caregiver.
Caregivers live in the shadows
Most of the attention, rightfully, is on the cancer patients. They are the ones who have it the hardest. As caregivers, we therefore may feel that their needs always come first, and that we should not draw any attention to ourselves.
Yet the stresses of being a caregiver can lead to physical, emotional, and mental burnout if we neglect our own needs. Learning to care for a cancer patient also includes learning to care for ourselves as the caregiver.
Stresses on a caregiver
Apart from not being trained for the role and having to learn many things from scratch, there are various other stresses a caregiver experiences. Our daily routine and lifestyle are disrupted and we are thrown off balance. There is one more ball to juggle on top of all our other duties.
Add to that the uncertainty of not knowing how long we will be required to stay in this role. Do we make long-term adjustments like quitting our job to care for our loved one? Or do we assume the situation will be short term, and try to burn the candle at both ends for a while?
Signs of burnout
The problem with burning the candle at both ends is that, very quickly, there is no more candle left to burn. Lack of sleep and fatigue can result in headaches and other symptoms of physical stress. Emotionally, we may feel sad all the time, or easily become angry and irritable. The constant struggle to juggle career and other needs may lead to our being overwhelmed.
All these changes creep up on us slowly. Unlike a clear and unforgettable cancer diagnosis from a doctor, no one officially tells us that we are suffering from burnout. Sometimes we even feel guilty for not being able to cope, for not being able to support our loved one in the way we want, for not being the perfect caregiver. This guilt makes it even harder to tell ourselves and others that we are at our limit, and that we too need help.
When the caregiver needs caring for
We are usually the first to know when something is wrong with us. We know that something has changed and we are not our usual selves anymore. Our general attitude has shifted from positive and hopeful, when we started our caregiver journey, to negative and helpless. We ask ourselves “When will this all end?” and immediately feel guilty for being so selfish.
Stop. When we are mired in quicksand and sinking quickly, the worst thing to do is keep struggling. The best course of action is to stop moving and relax, so that we can stay afloat, and slowly move towards safer ground. This applies to caregiving too. Stop the downward spiral by giving yourself permission to care for YOU.
Three types of self-care
All of us are different, and no one will experience the journey exactly as you do. Recognising the areas where you struggle most will guide you in knowing how to care for yourself. The following tips can help set you on the right track.
1. Physical self-care
If you have been neglecting your physical health, start looking after yourself before your body suffers long-term harm.
Eat a balanced diet
Find time to exercise
Practise breathing exercises
2. Emotional self-care
If you have been declining social gatherings and are isolating yourself from others, pay attention to your emotional well-being.
Practise self-compassion
Journal regularly to express your feelings and struggles
Make time for Me Time
3. Mental self-care
If you have been feeling overwhelmed with worry and are unable to handle everything in your life right now, take care of your mental health. Speaking with a counsellor, therapist, and/or coach can be valuable if you are unable to cope on your own or would simply appreciate a helping hand.
Manage your expectations of yourself
Engage in activities that make you feel better
Listen to calming music
Take breaks to recharge
Get help from a cancer coach
Remember the rule for dealing with a loss of cabin pressure on an airplane – put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. You cannot look after others if you are struggling for breath yourself. Start practising self-care right from the start of your cancer caregiver journey, and you’ll be stronger throughout for both yourself and your loved one.
If you would like personalised guidance, book a free of charge introductory meeting with one of our cancer coaches at Three Points Cancer Coach. We look forward to helping you become a more effective caregiver, to both yourself and your loved one.
