Supporting a Loved One on Their Cancer Journey

When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, their life will never be the same again. Neither will yours. Very little in our education or job training teaches us how to help a family member or someone else important in our lives when they are going through cancer. Where do we start? What do we do?

Below are some tips on how to support your loved one. There is no need to practise each and every one of these suggestions in order to be helpful – please pick and choose what is relevant to your circumstances. Simply knowing that you are there to support them (before you even do anything!) can provide your loved one with a boost of confidence and energy.

1. Open the lines of communication
The most important thing you can do is have a frank conversation with your loved one right from the start. They are likely more confused and frightened than you are. Having a trusted and loved person to talk to about anything on their mind will help lighten their load, and make the journey less lonesome.

2. Ask what support they want and don’t want
Remember that every cancer patient is different, and so is every caregiver. Once you are able to talk honestly about what they are going through, the best way to support them is by honouring their dignity and their wishes.

For example, some people may want you to join them on doctor visits. Others need to feel that they are independent enough to make these visits alone as long as they are able to. Follow your loved one’s lead, offer help and advice only when they are wanted, and respect the path that your loved one chooses to take.

3. Be a sounding board for their decisions
The early days and weeks after a cancer diagnosis can be overwhelming. Just learning a plethora of new terms is daunting in itself. Trying to understand the various forms of treatment available and making decisions on which to pursue can be scary. We don’t want to ‘get it wrong’, especially when so much is at stake.

You can be a sounding board for your loved one through this process. Learn the medical terms with them, discuss the options and side effects, and explore the possibility of seeking additional medical opinions on diagnosis and treatment. You could also engage a cancer coach, who can help with information gathering and writing questions to ask the doctors. Unless your loved one is legally or otherwise unable to make decisions on their own, respect that the ultimate choice on how to proceed is theirs.

4. Accompany them when you are able to
Sometimes, just your physical presence is all the comfort they need. Someone to have a meal with after a doctor visit, someone to drive them to the hospital or pick them up upon discharge. Basically, just someone to do normal day-to-day things with, so that life still feels a little like it used to before everything got turned upside down. If you are not able to join your loved one for doctor visits, a cancer coach can accompany them to provide support, ask questions, and take notes.

Being in the same room without needing to talk can also be helpful. Your loved one may not feel like thinking about and discussing the cancer all the time. Yet should they feel the need to, you are nearby for them to talk with and unburden themselves.

5. Allow space if needed
Conversely, they may need space to be on their own. To process their thoughts, to maintain their own routines, to still feel like themselves. As much as we may care for and worry about a loved one, it is important to be conscious of when our efforts are to make ourselves feel better, rather than to provide what our loved one really needs.

Sometimes, it could be as simple as them not wanting to feel like a burden. As much as we want to help, this may make them feel even worse. It’s a fine line to tread, but over time you will get a sense of when to step forward, and when to step back.

6. Address financial concerns
Cancer treatments are costly, and insurance may not cover every aspect of the medical care your loved one needs. If they are the main breadwinner, they may worry about paying the bills if they have to take time off work for treatment. If they are financially dependent on you, they may worry about the cost of their treatment causing you extra stress.

Talking about finances won’t solve the problems overnight. But at least everyone will know where things stand, and decisions can be made with more confidence and buy-in.

7. Discuss the future if they want to
This may be the most difficult aspect of providing support.

Individuals differ in how we face uncertainty about the future. Some cancer patients will want to talk, very early on, about making arrangements in case they don’t make it. In this case, avoid responses like “Touch wood, you’ll be fine!” If you refuse to discuss the possibility that they may not survive, they are left alone to plan a future in which they won’t even be around. They may need you to address this, to know that they have provided for you and that you know what to do even without them around.

Of course, they may be the ones who are not ready to face the possibility of things not working out. Meet them where they are, and keep things positive to support their hope and strength. Gently ask if they want to talk about anything, and let them take the lead in deciding which issues they are prepared to discuss, and which are taboo.

8. Play a supportive, not dominating, role
Remember that they are the main actor in this story of their life. You may think you know best, but it is their life and their decision. Of course, you can share your opinion if asked. But ultimately, let them know that you will support them no matter what they decide.

The best support you can give a loved one is to let them know they are not alone, that you will be there for them whatever path they choose to walk. Think of your role not as a judge, but as their biggest cheerleader.

9. Prioritise your own wellbeing
Last but not least, be kind to yourself as you support your loved one. It is not your fault if there are tough stretches along the way. It is just the nature of this very difficult cancer journey. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Let others know when you yourself need a break to recharge, or when you need help. You will be better able to support your loved one when you are at your best physically, emotionally, and mentally (more tips on that here).

Conclusion
Do you have any questions about or need assistance in supporting a loved one with cancer? Three Points Cancer Coach is here to help you and your loved one during the cancer journey. Book a free of charge introductory meeting with one of our cancer coaches today.